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Mind the Gab

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Not many people understand how fast life can fly by. That you can make long-term planning, but when it comes to live and enjoy life, you need to enjoy the bits in between and sometimes even that is a fight or a struggle because your mind is in the way. Having you in my life, it became my philosophy to live and enjoy the bits in between. To use all what is beautiful and powerful to lit my lighthouse. We both like the excitement, the surprise and the kick we get out of life. We share it, we love it. Sharing life with you gives me power, it makes me want to be with you more and more and who will ever tell when it stops?

It probably never stops, because we will always spot the lights and stars around us. Kicks can get addictive though.You are leading yourself down until you realize you stopped doing other things you loved to do. You become unhappy because you are not there where you want to be. You suddenly love the shittiest fake mountain place because of that one person or you forget to celebrate Newyears with your friends because of thinking of that special person on the other side of the mountain.

Many old stories in oral history show us examples of how destructive the addiction to love and life can be… Laying on the coach on the first day of 2014 I look back on our last hour in London. Filip maneuvered the car through the parking. You can tell he loves driving. Maybe even more when you made a comment that we were late. It put a grim on his face, making his job finally exciting. London was going home and you, mister big in the back seat got all excited about rushing to the airport and started to pull on Rob’s chair who was sitting at the front. Me and the two oldies, I thought. They might be the oldest, but I was acting the most responsible. Alarm bells started to ring. The thought frightened me. While I was looking at a young girl crossing the street holding hands with her boyfriend, I asked myself if I would regret my life. If I was wasting my young years. By the time I would enter my fifties with hanging tits and a husband flirting around, would I still think I got the most out of my young years? For sure, not if I continue my pensionado lifestyle.

Why the fuck do I always need to act so serious! Yes, ok, I was nervous. On stressy moments your weak character comes to say hello. Damn it! I couldn’t answer the question if I was wasting the most beautiful years of my life. But back in the plane I was realizing some other things. Every time I see you, time seems to fly even faster, the list of wanting more first-times together is getting longer and I can’t stop my mind wondering about many things. Being with you, around you, near you, I still miss my true soul companion. One with who you can laugh about all the stupid things you are afraid of, to share the fun but also the deep thoughts so they become lighter and fly to the moon and never come back. Those moments to share and become one are rare and my longing for them gets stronger. It makes it even painful sometimes to be with you without having a chance to share them.

When you were on the phone in the train, I was reading an email of Liz. We became good friends at our first job for a broadcaster in Amsterdam. She lives in Berlin now, but we always have this old-fashion letter contact. Surprisingly, it’s always around Christmas. Two years ago we spend it together with her family in Barcelona. I remember I didn’t sleep for two days, couldn’t speak a word Spanish and didn’t know anybody, but I had the most fantastic Christmas ever. Liz and I studied togehter but lost interest of the topic after this Christmas in Spain. We make progress in finding our way in this world, but in between all those fun moments and experiences, while we have our cool apartments, hipster friends buzzing around us and getting out of bed for work, we miss a home. We are so so free and rich of skills and have many talents but we are still in search of a meaningful and spiritual way of life. I became a bit emotional in the train when I read her letter but I didn’t want to spoil our Christmas moment. Now I’m flying above the Atlantic and my eyes start to fill with water again. I want to tell her that her home might just be hidden in a few persons present in her life. You became one of my homes in the world and although I know we will never get old and you probably won’t get the know my Amsterdam life, it is already wonderful and special every time I can hug and smell you.

When I landed in Amsterdam, it was maybe the first time since my final return from London, I really came home. I even rushed to feel the embrace of my old neighborhood, my little tent, friends and the frosty wind that almost blew me of the bridge. I’ve been happy with all the quality time we spend, but the love you have given me is bursting out of it’s cage. I can’t be with you without really being with you. I learned and I already tried more than I could ever imagine, but I’m just not good in getting the best of both worlds. I feel sad every time I leave you, not because of the time we spend, but about the time we could but did not spend. It’s about the prospect of us never being able to live freely kissing on the street. It’s because there isn’t enough time and place to share my generation-y fears, tears and happiness. This is not about a mind-set; to enjoy what you get and appreciate it. There’s just too much love and things I want to share with you and it’s marking me unhappy Im not able to. I’ve always left this conclusion behind…not wanting to come an end to the kicks and fun and sharing life with you. The possibility to have this, is better than not having one possibility at all. But every time I return home alone, this thought seems like a dream of hopeless naivety which on longterm will drain my lighthouse. Then I don’t want to allow myself to have this addiction any longer. Then I don’t want to wait and long for something I will never get.